The secret I have been keeping about my son.

At this point, only a couple of family members and some super close friends know something I have been refraining from sharing with the world. I have been afraid of what others would think of me as a mom and how they might judge me.

For the past month and a half, Jackson has had to wear a helmet. Obviously the biggest question I get when anyone sees him in his helmet is "Why is he wearing it?" Some ask if something is wrong with him, some ask if he has epilepsy or has had brain surgery. But mostly, people just stare. It's so annoying and yet embarrassing at the same time. It's also just plain rude.

What's the big deal you might ask? Well, anyone who simply looks at my son and knows that helmets are often used to fix flat spots on infants might blame me for being one of those parents who just left their child in a swing, or laid them on the floor or left them in their crib for too long. But that is not the case for us at all.

I know it's pointless to worry what anyone thinks and I have gotten over that now. I even braved taking him to the mall, only to be starred at and asked questions of course, but what bothers me is that a stranger will never know his story just by looking at his head. So even though my mom, my husband Ross, and I have done everything in our power to prevent this very experience, here we are anyways.

So why does he have to wear this ridiculous thing?

This all started when I discovered Jackson had a lump on this throat when he was two weeks old. I took him to my general physician who is also Jackson's Pediatrician. She sent us to an Ear, Nose and Throat specialist who then sent us to have an ultrasound done on his neck.

His ultrasound was done at Children's hospital, and of course we had not put his stroller in the car. So I spent 8 hours at the hospital carrying Jackson back and fourth from the ultrasound waiting room to the Ear, Nose and Throat Dr. while they tried to figure out who I had to get results from. My back was killing me and I hadn't eaten since that morning. I was starving, worried and my back and arms were killing me from carrying him all over the hospital.

Eight hours later I stood by an old corded telephone just waiting to be given the results of an ultrasound that had to be done in a public waiting area where I might have to be told in front of a room full of strangers and their sick children that my child might have a tumor or something else just as terrible.

Then finally my phone call came. It turned out that the lump was actually a stiff muscle in his neck that had blood trapped inside it. I had to then go back and speak with the specialist on duty who read his ultrasound. I was told that since Jackson was delivered with the aid of a vacuum, it was most likely that the muscle in his neck was stretched, allowing blood to enter the muscle and snapped causing the muscle to tighten. His condition is called "Toriticollis", where a baby has a preference of which side they will turn their head and is also associated with neck muscle spasms or issues.

Jackson began physical therapy about every two weeks since that day. We were shown stretches to do with him at home that needed to be done at each diaper change or 6-8 times a day. I can't even explain how challenging it has been to fit in his physical therapy every day with two parents who work all day.

There were times at his appointments that he would be in tears because the stretches were causing him pain, but anytime I felt close to tears during one of his appointments, his physical therapist would just remind me that compared to many babies and children who come to Physical Therapy at Children's Hospital, we are lucky. Trust me, I see children from all walks of life in the waiting room and walking around the hospital, and I know I should still be a very thankful mommy, and I am. I know that there are plenty of other parents who have to deal with much more pressing medical issues with their children including lifelong ailments, and for that I am thankful that this is supposed to be a temporary issue. The muscle in his neck should eventually stretch out and the flat spot on his head should even out to a large extent.

Since it was painful for Jackson to turn his head away from the stiff muscle, we had to work really hard to prevent him from favoring resting his head towards one side. When most babies were transitioning over to their cribs, Jackson stayed in his Rock-N-Play. We were told that any amount of pressure we could take off the back of his head by elevating him at an angle would help reduce the chance of him getting a flat head.

When babies prefer keeping their heads tilted towards one side, that side can begin to develop a flat spot. Jackson preferred to turn his head away from the sore muscle on the left side of his neck and therefore began to develop a flatter spot on the right back side of his head.

We did the opposite of what most parents do before their child ends up needing a helmet: we held him ALL THE TIME! We carried him, had him sleep on an elevated surface and avoided laying him flat at all costs. If he was in his swing, he was elevated. He slept at a slant in his Rock-N-Play for months past most babies his age. We did his therapy every single day and continued his physical therapy at Children's Hospital every two weeks. We rolled burp cloths and stuffed them in the recommended places in his carseat. We used a special hat that is supposed to help prevent babies from getting flat spots.

And yet, here we are 8 months later, with a helmet. So yes, even though I know that my team of caregivers tried their hardest to prevent this very thing, I know it is the best step to getting rid of that flat spot.

So my kid has a helmet, what's the big deal? Honestly, I am glad we are doing this for our son, because flat spots can cause problems later down the road. Baby's faces can become disproportional, though that part is purely considered "cosmetic". But we are talking about one side of the forehead sticking out more than the other, ears being on noticeably different on the sides of the head, eyes being uneven...and let's just say I was not about to do nothing and let my son have a disproportionate face. As an adult, the jaw can begin to have alignment issues that often lead to surgery.

Basically the Physical therapist, Pediatrician, Neurosurgeon and Helmet specialist all recommended that Jackson have a helmet. The Dr. who measures his head for his helmet agreed with the Neurosurgeon that Jackson's condition put him "on the fence" where his head could possibly change on it's own, but that it could very well not change or get worse as well.

After Jackson's diagnosis of Torticollis, Ross and I researched as much as we could about it. I felt so guilty that the vacuum used during delivery was most likely the cause of all of this. I wished I could have pushed harder, but I went into labor after only getting one hour of sleep, which was one of my biggest fears alongside of having to get a c-section. I ended being an hour away from needing a c-section since the time frame was almost up from having my water broken for so long. I was petrified at the idea of having  a c-section with what could be a longer and more painful recovery, but I ended up needing an incision anyways that I could feel since my epidural had worn off. My labor was plenty long and painful for me, (especially since I had an extremely low pain tolerance to begin with). In the end, Jackson's life was in danger so a vacuum became a necessity. So according to our research, this is all most likely the cause of Jackson getting Torticollis.

Having torticollis has also caused Jackson to be behind in pretty much all of his milestones. I had to just laugh though when all my besties were bummed when there kiddos were slow to get teeth and Jackson already had his considering it is the one thing none of us have any control over. But I thought, hey, if this one thing happens before anyone else, at least we have one thing! Ha. It was so hard as a parent to have to watch so many other babies hit their milestones early or even on time, while my little buddy struggled to catch up with his stiff neck and lack of muscle control. It seems silly now, but as a Mamma, I felt like I was failing him. It broke my heart. I just wanted him to be "normal". 

It hasn't been easy to have to take him to physical therapy every two weeks and have to take off time at the end of each work day that day in order to take him there. My job has been really supportive with that aspect and I do appreciate that greatly. Though I know there are so many families who struggle with much worse medically or otherwise, it's still hard not to compare Jackson to children his age who are perfectly healthy and able bodied being able to achieve the milestones that Dr.'s like to see at each month marker. It always makes me wish I could spend more time with him helping him achieve all of these milestones along the way.

The night after Jackson's first helmet appointment, Ross and I read a blog post written by a mom who's child had also needed a helmet. What struck a chord with us was when she said that she was so glad that she went through with it for her child because her child's head was fixed, but a friend of her's did not get a helmet and she regretted it because her child's head did not change and her child still has a flat spot well into childhood. Some children will have a much milder case that does not change the shape of their face and their head can repair itself as the child grows. 

For us, our son was worth it to try. So why am I bummed about this? Because we worked so hard to avoid it. My biggest fear was how uncomfortable it would be for Jackson to wear it. I also feared people staring, and let me tell you - they do. Every single person we walk by follows us with their head. I don't think most people even realize how bad they are staring, but it drives me crazy.

I went to the mall for the first time with his helmet on and it's almost funny how people feel that they just have to comment on his helmet. Many people will ask what is "wrong" with him. I usually just explain he has a flat spot and it is fixing it. I am surely not going to go into detail. But I hate that part, because that explanation doesn't do any justice for how hard Ross and I have worked to prevent him from having to wear the helmet.

The worst part, though, the helmet cuts into my arm when I rock him to sleep at night and give him a bottle. I can't kiss his head and it's very difficult to kiss his sweet plump cheeks. That part breaks my heart the most. We give him a bath and wash his sweaty hair every single night. We clean out the helmet by wiping it down with rubbing alcohol.

The helmet cannot get wet, so when we took him to the beach he didn't wear it. It makes him extremely hot so we didn't want him to overheat in it either. He can't wear it if he swims, so I enjoy those hours of freedom where I get to see my baby boy fully without the big foam and plastic helmet in the way.

He has done really well adjusting to wearing in though. He slept through the night just fine the first time he had to wear it all night long. It was a week long process of wearing it a couple of hours at a time and then for a nap, and then 23 hours a day except for when he takes a bath or goes swimming.

At his last appointment the Neurosurgeon said his head will be at close to 85% change in about a month if we continue to have him wear it for 23hrs a day.

I am overjoyed that we are seeing an improvement so quickly but I can't wait to take it off. When people come up to me and tell me their stories of how their child or grandchild had to wear helmet and it made their head completely normal after just a couple of months, I get my hopes up that he might not need to wear his for that long. Their stories are encouraging, but it's also nice when people just tell me he's cute and don't mention the helmet at all. ;)

Hey, I think this kid looks adorable even with a helmet on! 

So there you have it. My son has to wear a helmet and I have been too afraid to share pictures of him wearing it. People can be cruel and I just want to protect my son. It also gets tiring having to explain it to so many people, mostly total strangers, so now you know why my little guy has a helmet and why I was so afraid to tell the world.

And now with great pride, I can share an adorable video of Jackson full on crawling! He was just going backwards or in circles, but this kid is on the move now! I am such a proud Mamma!

Moms and Milestones

I have been trying everything in my power to hold myself back from writing about this topic in fear of offending my dear sweet mommy friends who really are super awesome moms, friends, wives, girlfriends, etc., and women all around, however, it's gotten to the put where it just might help to know that I am not the only one who has felt or feels the way I do about this journey as a mother.

So first let me say that I admire all of the mommy friends in my life and are so happy to have a supportive and awesome network of mommy friends. I of course love all of my non-mommy friends too, and even feel a little more at ease in our conversations because I never feel that pressure of having to compare the milestones my child has hit to someone else's child.

That might sound silly to some, and some moms might care less when your child hits a milestone or how ahead or behind their child is in relation to other children their age. To you, I say, you must stress so much less than I and that must be so nice! I wish I knew how to be more like you!

But instead, I am left always feeling like I am struggling to keep up with other moms with all of the milestones my child seems to be so far behind in achieving and it makes me feel like I am not doing a good enough job. It makes me feel like I suck as a mom.

When Jackson was born, I couldn't push him out. I tried and tried, but I was going on one hour of sleep and his labor was 18 hours in by the time I was pushing. I had no energy left, and he was stuck. They had to use the suction device on him to get him out. Because of this, I believe that is the cause of him having torticollis. The muscle in his neck was open and then kinked in a way where blood entered the muscle in his neck and was then stuck inside. He basically had a very tight muscle. We figured this out when he was about 2 weeks old and I noticed a lump in his neck.

From there he saw a specialist where we were all sure it was a cyst that needed to be surgically removed. How I wish that was the case. Instead, he has been in physically therapy every two weeks since. He has had trouble turning his head and lifting it. We have been supposed to do physical therapy with him 6-8 times a day. Let me tell you how hard it is to try and fit that in when we both work.

Jackson is 6 months old, and still has no desire to roll on his own. I have hung out with mommy friends whose kids literally just roll like crazy next to him while he lay on his back. It's so humiliating to me because I feel like this is a reflection of my parenting skills. Why can't I get my child to do things that others are doing? Multiple friends of mind had children who were born pre-mature and yet their children could roll, walk and crawl in circles around him and they are so close to his age. They had to overcome being behind too, yet they are surpassing babies abilities who were not born preemies.

I promise you it's not for a lack of trying on my end. He gets "tummy time" and floor time. I work with him and do his physically therapy and try to get him to roll and crawl and stand and hold his weight and jump, and all of the other things he is supposed to be doing that I feel like I learn I should be doing way too late.

Everyone says children do not come with instruction manuals, but yet, there is actually a lot of written information out there about milestones and what babies should be doing by certain ages.

Before I had a baby, many of my childless friends used to complain about how annoyed they would get when their friends with children would post on Facebook about milestones. But I get why that is so exciting! I get why a parent would be so proud of this big moments and want to share this with their family and friends. As parents we are happy for our children when they are ahead of where they should be or even right on par. I wish I could say I knew what that felt like.

Jackson has been so far behind since he was only a couple of weeks old. He hated tummy time because it hurt his neck. He hated to turn and hold up his head. Ross and I have struggled to find time to do his physical therapy with him as often as 6-8x a day like his physical therapist has recommended.

I wish we could afford to have me stay at home with him and do physically therapy 8 times a day and work on him hitting his milestones but my pregnancy was so terrible that I was hardly able to walk and was put on bedrest because he kept trying to come early. I was told I could not work if I didn't want my son to be born extremely pre-mature. Even when I tried to find a job, people would take one look at my belly and actually tell me that I could not be hired because I would be on maternity leave before too long.

I have many people who ask why I don't just stay at home with him, and it's so hard to have this conversation when I wish I could just take a year off and be a stay at home mom. I would never talk about finances with the world but geeze, if I have to then let me say I have not worked for a year before Jackson was even born! I was busy crawling on my hands and knees to get to the bathroom while my friends happily worked until their their babies were born. I have already had my year off. I wish we were well off enough to just take a second year off from making any income!

It's so hard to watch all of my friend's babies hit their milestones early while Jackson is so far behind. I brought up all of my worries about this to Jackson's pediatrician who is also my physician. She told me not to rush him and that all babies hit milestones at their own pace. But this is false. Babies hit their milestones when parents make them practice enough that they can finally do it own their own. So unless your kid pulled themselves to a standing position without you at all, don't tell me they did it on their own. If you did not help them at all, and I mean not holding their hands or arms or helping pull them up, then you assisted them. So how is that having them hit milestones in "their own time"? It's not. This is why I feel like I am not doing enough. Ross and I have a book called The Growing Child.  This book is either out of date, or it leaves out some important milestones because Jackson can do most of the things each month that are age appropriate for him. However, all of my friend's babies are going way beyond that. I didn't realize we were supposed to be trying to make him do things that are months ahead.

Then I turn to Google, and what do I find? But information telling me that he could be doing more by now. I think, "great, so he IS behind!" It's so frustrating! I had no idea I would suck at this. I have been a nanny and have babysat for children for years! I guess their parents just did all the hard work and I had no idea.

I never thought I would feel so stressed and bad about my parenting skills. But now all I have to do is get on Facebook and see what everyone else's child is doing who are Jackson's exact age or very close and see that they are basically crawling, walking and standing while he would rather sit and play. Sigh. So I just want to know, am I the only mom who feels this way?

I suppose if your child has always blown through milestones or yours is the one ahead of everyone you know then you would think my worries are stupid, but you wouldn't know how hard it is to feel like you are a good mom when your child is "behind". It's my worst fear come true. Before Jackson was born I planned on trying to be that mom whose kid would blow through milestones like everyone I seem to know, but alas he had to be born with an issue that would challenge us all to get him to be on track with his milestones.

We have an exersacuer that he can bounce or jump in, but he just won't do it. I try to help him stand or jump

This might all seem silly to you, but it makes me feel like I am failing. It take a lot of courage to share this.

Ross and I have talked about how I read so many articles on Facebook that people post and the time I waste scrolling through my newsfeed that I have decided to take the rest of June off Facebook. If seeing all of my friends feeds just makes me feel like a bad mom, then maybe I need to take a break from FB. If I spend more time reading articles when I should be using that time to build up my back muscles exercising

What "And then there were 3 means"...

Life has changed drastically since our little bundle of joy came into the world.
One fine example would be the fact that I have not had the time or energy to blog since I wrote about his birth story!

I first fell in love with caring for children while babysitting for two families who attended the same church as me when I was a pre-teen. Those families were so special to me and I knew then that I would want to have a family of my own one day.

It's funny to look back at when I was in my early 20's working as a Nanny and I thought I had an appreciation of what it must be like to be a parent. But I had no idea what it would be like to try to grocery shop by myself with a baby, or how hard it would be to simply run in to pick up a prescription, or drop off a rented movie. You can't just leave a newborn child unattended in car. I have to struggle to get the heavy carrier and baby out of the car, then carry him through the store because his car seat will not fit in most shopping carts and on top of that, manage to carry the things I need to buy.

I laugh now looking back. I thought I knew so much until I had my own. Now I know so much more.

I have learned it's better to just wait to go to the grocery store when Ross can go with me and just not care if I am being heavily watched on surveillance while we grocery shop with Ross pushing the cart, and me pushing the stroller. My parents have both worked at grocery stores, and told me, "trust me, they are watching you." Ha, oh well.

Getting chores done really depends on if Jackson will let me put him down long enough to get things done. We even broke down and bought a used Mamaroo online. (It's a swing that is supposed to move like a mother does) and trust me, he knows it's not his Mama holding him.

Then of course one of the biggest changes in our lives are the people who we spend our time with.

Ross's friends truly have amazed me. They were awesome even before Jackson was born. They called, texted and visited to see how I was doing and of course to get Nurse Ross out of the house a while. They have still been just as awesome since Jackson was born.

My circle of girlfriends on the other hand has changed a bit. I tend to reach out more to other mommies for advice on baby related questions. This transition began during my pregnancy, especially since many of my friends already had children or were pregnant at the same time.

Believe it or not, the friendship aspect has been one of the most challenging parts. Life changes so much when you have children. Our friends without children have remained close to us by making time to still be apart of our lives and visit or keep in touch. I have become much closer with some who do have babies of their own just because we can relate to each other based on having similar lifestyles at this time. We are so blessed to have so many amazing family and friends who our apart of our lives now and experiencing this blessing with us.

I have had to learn to let go of anyone who, no matter how hard I tried or how much effort I put in, would just not make the time to be apart of our lives once I became pregnant and more so after the baby was born. It's extremely hard and heartbreaking to walk away from people who were once a huge part of your life, but I know that people come into and out of our lives in seasons so to speak. This is a new season.

This past week I had Spring break off of work, and not only did I enjoy getting together with my friends and having many wonderful playdates, but it was so nice to spend some time at home with my husband and baby again. I miss them so much when I am at work! Being a working Mama just makes me appreciate my time at home with my family even more. It is definitely harder now to find time to get together with all of the people we want to see. Working and having a baby is definitely more tiring than just working. So please don't feel bad if we haven't gotten to spend much time with you our beloved friends!! We have learned how tough it can be to coordinate schedules, especially with our friends who are hours away! :* 

But most importantly, I have learned that there is just an incredible love you have when you have a child. I thought I knew a deep love when I met my husband. That love grew into something more when we were married and now it is even deeper that we have our son. He just means the world to us.

I always knew Ross was an amazing husband. Thank goodness he enjoys helping me with chores around the house and volunteers to do dishes and pick up! He helps me cook and has been doing all of the nightly diaper changes and feedings when I have to work in the am and he doesn't have to leave for court. His support makes this whole parenting process so much easier! I would be more than proud to raise our son to be just like his father! <3

Watching Ross be a Daddy has truly been a treat. I love seeing them bond and see Ross making Jackson laugh. You can just see the love they have for each other. It makes my heart melt! These two have stolen my heart!

Jackson's Birth Story and how it inspired me to follow the 15 things to not do in 2015.

I was finally motivated tonight to sit down and write Jackson's birth story after reading this great article I read:

15 Things to stop doing in 2015 

Number  2 in the list of 15 things to stop doing in 2015 is "Quit comparing yourself to others".
What does this have to do with my birth story, you might ask? It all has to do with the kind of birth I wanted to have, and what I got instead.

I have been told by new moms and nurses to NOT have a birth plan written down. Multiple nurses told me that the majority of women who walk into the delivery room with a birth plan more often than not end up having a completely different experience than what they wanted.

So, naturally I refused to write out a birth plan. I did do a ton of research though on the different kinds of births I could attempt to plan. I listened to birth stories from "Mommy friends" whom I know and trust to get some ideas of what might be right for me.

I have an old friend from middle school who had a beautiful water birth story and other acquaintances who also swear by the benefits of having a water birth. Since being in the bath tub has always provided pain relief and relaxation for me in the past, I decided that a water birth was the way to go for me. The more research Ross and I did on having a water birth, the more we started to agree to having me labor in the tub, but have the baby out of the tub in the end and let gravity do most of the work.

I went to my birthing class held by Summa Health Systems, and they strongly encouraged trying to labor without an epidural or any kind of drugs for as long as possible, if not the whole way through. This was my next plan. Every women I have ever talked to who has had a natural childbirth wear their stories as a badge of honor and make any woman who gives into the pain and has an epidural sound like a wimp or even a coward - how dare we even think about taking drugs to relieve pain when it's not good for our babies?!

Number 3 of 15 Things to stop doing in 2015: Stop caring what others think about you!

My mom, who knows me better than anyone (besides my husband), knows how God-awful my pain tolerance is. On a scale of 1-100, I might be a 15, lol. Don't get me wrong, I am brave, most things just tend to hurt me physically no matter how much I try to bite the bullet.

When I told my mom I would be going natural, she told me I was crazy and that pain medicine had been invented for people just like me- those who had no pain tolerance no matter how hard they tried.

By the end of my pregnancy, I was in so much pain that I wished I could get an epidural just to get me through to the end. I finally let go of the idea of having a natural child birth after all. My plan was just to try to see how far I could get on my own. I kept thinking about all of the moms before me who were able to have a natural childbirth and I really wanted to be able to have the same bragging rights. But the whole point of having a water birth or natural birth is for how good it is supposed to be for the baby, not you...

When my water broke on November 25th, 2014, I wasn't in pain yet. I was relieved to finally be in labor, but scared for what lied ahead with labor. I called my OBGYN office and was told I could shower but needed to get my butt into Triage within two hours. Once in Triage, I was checked to make sure my water had actually broken, and it had. Yay! The sad thing is the two rooms with the birthing tubs were taken. So, that idea was the first to go when it came to my unwritten birth plan. I remember that the news was covering the buildings being burned in Ferguson, based on the Grand Jury verdict not to indict the police officer. I didn't want the day of my son's birth to be filled with those kinds of memories, so we just turned off the t.v. while we waited to be moved into the birthing room.

Once in my room, my first nurse wasn't very friendly. When I asked her if she could put my iv on the top of my hand due to problems I have had with an iv being placed on the side of my wrist, she tried putting the IV in the side of my wrist anyways. She said she hit some kind of block, had to take the needle out and try again (in the same place) on the other arm. I couldn't have the blood pressure cuff on the arm she messed up on because it was so painful when the cuff would puff up. This was not giving me peace of mind about the start to my baby's birth. Not to mention, the nurse was hardly speaking to Ross and I and seemed annoyed to be at work having to take care of us. Luckily she told me she got off at 7a.m. So after a few hours, she was gone. My mom had only labored for a few hours with both my brother and I, so after the first nurse left, I was disheartened that my child's birth would officially not be as quick as my mom's.

The next nurse on duty was amazing. She was the Mary Poppins of Nurses. She was insanely sweet and kind. Ross was already exhausted from having to come in to the hospital in the middle of the night, so he slept while I breathed through contractions on my own. Donna, my nurse, helped me breathe through contractions and was all-around amazing. I was given pitocin since I had yet to dilate and the contractions became extremely strong and painful.

One of my "rules" for my birth was "no students" and I wanted as few people in my room during the birth as possible. A student came in and introduced himself and asked if it was okay that he was present during the birth. I told him sure, then told Ross that he would not be welcome in the end and that he was to make sure that my wish was known.

Sadly though, I had still not dilated at 2.p.m. that day. My contractions began slowing down, and I had to have the pitocin increased to try and get them going again since my water had already broken. One of the Doctors on duty came in and told me that I might not even have my baby that day! I was starting to lose heart. I was having an extremely hard time breathing all the way to the end of my contractions, and Donna suggested that it might be time to consider the epidural.

The nurse running my birthing class strongly encouraged a natural birth so that we could walk around and allow the baby to drop down naturally with gravity. But I was not having an easy time walking and going to the bathroom. I agreed to an epidural after my nurse told me that although going drug free is good for baby, so is a non-stressed momma. I had to do what was best for me and the baby, no matter how someone else might judge me for it.

I was extremely glad Ross was allowed to stay with me while I was getting the epidural. Depending on who is administering the medicine that day, sometimes the Dads are not allowed to be in the room during the epidural. I was told not to move, and the moment the needle went into my spine, I jolted slightly. I asked if I messed anything up by moving, and the anesthesiologist assured me I hadn't. When she asked me if I was becoming numb on both sides of my body, I told her I felt the numbing on my left side more than my right. She asked if I wanted her to take it out and redo it, I thought no way am I going through that again! I hate needles and was dripping sweat because I was so nervous about having a giant needle shoved into my spine. Before I knew it the epidural kicked in, and I was hardly feeling the contractions at all. I was given a catheter, and I finally started dilating more and more every time I was checked. My epidural wore off the right side of my body and I started having trouble breathing through the contractions again. The anesthesiologist returned to give me a type of refill, and my right side became a bit numb again, but still not as numb as my left side.

Around 5p.m. multiple women on my floor were ready to push at the same time. Most of the nurses were called to help with the delivery, and my nurse, Donna, was called to help the woman in labor next door to me. I was assured she would be back in time for my delivery. But all of a sudden, I began to feel the urge to push. The nurse that had stepped in had the student fetch my OB to see if I was ready. Sure enough, I was 10cm. Ross grabbed one leg, and the student that I had told Ross would not be allowed in my room, had the other leg.

It turned out the student was a super sweet guy who held my hand after my epidural had worn off and counted for Ross while I pushed and breathed through the contractions. They hurt. The nurse who stepped in for Donna turned out to be just what I needed. She was tough with me and helped me keep pushing when I was ready to give up at the end of the counting. The three of them made the perfect team. Sometimes we think we know what we want, but then we get what we need instead (isn't that a song? ;) ).

My OBGYN came in and took over. I had been told that I would have to push for around three hours, and I thought  "The Hell I will"! I pushed for an hour and a half. My little team was so proud of me. The baby was in a bit of distress and I couldn't finish pushing him out quickly enough though I was so close, so they had to use a Vacuum. My original birth plan consisted of no c-section, no vacuum or forceps, and no episiotomy. Lucky me, I had to be cut, and I could feel it. They gave me a little shot to numb me for the episiotomy, but I was not a happy lady. Hearing my baby cry for the first time was the best part. Sadly, I didn't get to hold him for what felt like forever because this whole team from the NICU had to come in and check him since he was taken out by vacuum.

I was finally able to do skin-to-skin for a bit, and then our family came to visit. We were both very appreciative of everyone who was able to come and visit our son for the first time. Looking back now the only thing I would have chosen to do differently is have Ross get to hold the baby before everyone came in. But my sweet hubby was so very excited to introduce him to everyone, that he called our family and our loved ones were already on their way. I just said oh well, enjoyed everyone getting to see him and hold him for the first time. I felt badly that I wasn't very talkative, but man, I had been up since 1a.m. that day, and it was a super long and painful day of laboring. Our family members were super sweet to hop right over to see our son and they should all know we both feel blessed to have such a loving and caring family. 

At that point, it was 10p.m. and I just couldn't wait to sleep. I was very thankful that my sister and mom both noticed how exhausted I was and gave us kisses and said goodnight. We were so happy they all came to visit, but I was ready to try and get some sleep. 

The student I mentioned earlier rolled me in my bed to my recovery room. He told me he was so amazed but how well I pushed for an hour and a half without taking one break. I pushed with every single contraction. I was so proud of myself. I had proved to myself that I could literally push through the pain. My epidural had pretty much worn off at the end, so I sort of had the natural birth I was hoping to have after all. 

When we got to our recovery room, our baby still hadn't been bathed yet. We had to wait for him to have a bath before we could go to sleep. I was given pain medicine, and helped to the bathroom for the first time. Then, I had to show the nurse that I could walk on my own to the bathroom. We were told that Jackson would be bathed soon, but over an hour and a half went by and we were so exhausted and becoming irritable after hitting the 24 hour mark that we had been awake. When we asked if he would be getting a bath soon, the nurse on duty snapped at us and told us they had more important things to do. We were not very happy about being talked to like that after midnight with all we had just been through. Finally, after 1a.m. another nurse came in to bathe our baby. 

I had the hardest time trying to sleep that first night because I kept checking to see if the baby was breathing. Silly, I know. Finally, Ross told me to send the baby to the nursery so that i would have peace of mind that he was being watched while I slept. The rest of the story I will save for another post since this part has been long enough. ;) 

We love our little bundle of joy and are so blessed to go into this new year with our son. My birth has taught me that life will not always go according to plan. Having a baby changes everything, but it is a change that we welcome and are blessed to have.

I look forward to this new year. I encourage you to look at the 15 things to not do in 2015.  

Happy New Year!

Why our little boy might be our only natural born child.

It has been forever since I have had the energy to blog. My last post on the blog described the first scare we had where we thought the baby (One Mr. Jackson Patrick) would be born at 32 weeks. I am sharing my pregnancy experience for all of those who ask me why I would consider only having one natural born child.

First of all, my husband and I have always considered only having one child with our genes, and adopting a child of the opposite sex. We actually would love to have two children, but we are not in a rush to think about numbers now. For now, we want to enjoy this child we have just brought into the world without already thinking about the next. Our son deserves our undivided love and attention right now.

I know I don't have to share my experience, and that I could keep my reasons for not wanting to experience another pregnancy and child birth to myself, but people are so darn judgmental that I want them to really understand what I went through so that they just might have an idea why I would not want to experience what I went through again. With that said, there are plenty of children in Foster care who deserve a better home with a loving family. God has placed the idea of adopting on Ross and my hearts a long time ago. This experience in my opinion was God's way of sealing the deal so I wouldn't even want to consider being pregnant again. Don't worry, later I will answer the whole, "It might be different next time" reasoning.

As some people already know, I spent the first part of my pregnancy sick all day long, every day. My "morning sickness" was so bad that I had to stop working. Ross and I then moved home to be closer to family and closer to a support system. Our plan was for me to find a job when we moved back home and buy a house.

Early baby bump. 

 I was in my best friend's wedding in July and was going to wait until after we came back from her wedding in Florida to start working. Once we came back, I was showing enough to the point that employers would blatantly tell me that they were not willing to hire me because I was pregnant. Our hopes of buying a home went on the back burner, and we stayed with my mom part of the way through the summer.

Ross's mom retired and wanted to give living in Florida a trial run. So we moved to her condo while she would be away until just before Christmas. But once I hit my 3rd Trimester, I went from being a pregnant lady who walked a bit slower with a waddle, to one who was in so much pain that I could hardly walk anymore without feeling as if I was about to go into labor.

I first began experiencing cramps and back pain at 32 weeks. I was having pain in my hips that I later found out during one of my OB visits were back labor pains. At my 32 week appointment, my contractions were coming every 10 min and my OBGYN was sure he was coming that day.

I was sent to Triage where I was given my first round of steroids and another injection to stop labor. Ross drove home from WV just in time for me to be released from the hospital, and so began our miserable journey of back and fourth "false labor" scares that would last the duration of my pregnancy.

When we hit week 35, I returned to Triage, once again sure he was coming early. My back labor pains were extreme, I was having sharp pains in my abdomen, cramping, the whole shebang. I was sure this was it. Once again, I was sent home with another ruling of false labor. I was having full fledged contractions, but I was not dilating. My OB believed that a previous surgery might be preventing me from dilating but since I was preterm, neither she, nor the hospital were willing to help my labor along. So 28 oz of water chugged later, I was sent home again.

When I entered the 3rd Trimester, my nausea returned and I pulled my groin muscle doing yoga. A pulled groin takes weeks to heal, and by the time my groin was in any shape to work out again, my body was not in any shape to pick exercise back up. I was so bummed and worried about gaining too much weight. My OB told me to just try walking to get some exercise. I was having (clears throat) bathroom issues. Yes, those are another lovely side effect of pregnancy (would you like to have regular bowel movements? Well, sorry about your luck...). I had to beg my OB to let me stop taking my iron pills. I was slightly anemic and she wanted me to have the extra iron, but trust me it was not worth it.

All of these "false labor" incidents began occurring after each of my baby showers. At this point, I could no longer go to the grocery store without feeling as if my uterus were dropping out of my body and like I could go into labor at any moment. Lovely, right? During my last trip to the grocery store, Ross had to come and rescue me because I didn't think I could walk any further. I literally waited for him in the cold dairy section of Giant Eagle. Just walking to the front of the store left my legs stiff and heavy as if they were filled with cement.

 I just didn't get why my body was reacting this way. I started out as a very fit woman. I was working out in the beginning of my pregnancy when my nausea eased up a bit in the 2nd Trimester. Most women work until they go into labor. So why was I having so much trouble so early? I couldn't imagine getting any bigger and what that would bring.

At this point I had a small group of girlfriends who were either expecting themselves or were new mommies who I began to chat back and forth with regarding my pregnancy 'side effects' (as I will call them). Thank God for them. Really. You know who you are, thank you for being there for me. Most women I talked to hadn't had such a debilitating pregnancy, but anyone who could relate to any of my 'pregnancy symptoms' made me feel just a little bit better and just a little bit more normal.

One of the hardest parts of this stage of my pregnancy was being put on bed rest at this point. I was told I could shower and make myself food, that was it. I had to try to get the contractions to stop coming. I was having cramping and pain in my hips and back every single day. I could no longer walk up and down stairs without causing my contractions to get stronger. So Ross and I had to leave his mom's condo and move in with my mom in her ranch where I could avoid stairs and a lot of walking. Ross just wasn't able to work and take care of me at the same time.

At this point, I could no longer dress myself; not because of your typical, "I can't reach my toes" kind of pregnancy issue, but because to bend caused me great pain. The baby was in a position that caused something some women feel during actual labor called 'back labor' where the baby is pressing their head on your spine. Quite comfy, let me tell you! Except, lucky me, I was having 'back labor' pains weeks before I was due. I tried back exercises but they didn't help. At this point I could hardly walk or stand for more than 10 mins at a time. I was tired of being in pain and not being allowed to go anywhere. It was like being on house arrest.

We snuck in some pregnancy photos right before I was put on bed rest.
Ross thinks he's funny demonstrating what life is like as a pregnant lady. Ha.

At this point, talking to my 'Mommy friends' got me through this time stuck in the house. My mom and my husband helped me out immensely. They were so patient and kind, and I know they were tiring of helping me. But I reached a point where I had to practically be helped into the bath tub every so many hours when my back pain became so intense that I could not sit, stand or lie down. Only floating in the tub provided me some relief.

I tried to get answers from my Obgyn as to why I was experiencing these profound pains that most women don't have until they are in "real labor". She told me that I was just really small and that was why I was having so much trouble. I know plenty of mommies who were even smaller than I was and had not had my lovely issues.

So I promised myself I would never make myself go through this again. I was back to being sick on a daily basis and had to start taking Zofran again in order to eat and function. My daily routine basically consisted of me floating in the bath tub for a couple of hours, going through Lord knows how much water. I would eat meals in the tub just to be able to stay in longer and have relief from the pain. Ross figured out that if we looped my pregnancy pillow into two circles stacked on top of one another, I could rest my belly inside it and have some of the pressure taken off my back without having to be in the tub constantly. In the weeks b/w 32-35, I could sit on an exercise ball to get some relief but after week 36, only the tub and pregnancy pillow provided relief.

Week 36 was hell. I cried everyday because the pain was so intense. I had insane contractions and back labor pain. My OB was out of town, and my mom was getting ready to go on vacation for her 60th birthday and 11 year anniversary. One of my closest friends was also going through trouble with early labor and she and I joked about how our boys were competing to see who could be born first. I just can't stress enough how those who stayed in touch with me made such a difference getting me through each day.

Luckily the week my mom was in Mexico, Ross's mom came home from Florida to help take care of me, and the pain was more manageable in week 37. I still would need to get into the tub once the pain would suddenly hit, but I had moments where I could sit in the living room and watch t.v. without any pain. Those times were a blessing.

Most people had no idea how hard this pregnancy was on me. I was just ready for it to be over. I wanted my baby out and safe. I was tired of all of these 'false labor' trips to Triage at the hospital. I kept asking how on earth I was going to know when the real thing would happen since all of my symptoms mimicked being in labor. They told me I would just know. #Awesome and #Thanksfornothing.

My mom came home the 24th. I talked to God that night and told him that I had enough and couldn't take the pain and suffering anymore. I begged him to let my baby come. I was beyond ready. That night at 1:00a.m. just two hours after we had gone to bed, my water broke! And thank the Lord, it BROKE! Not just a trickle, it was gushing just like in the movies! (I had been told by my Ob not to get my hopes up for an obvious sign that my water had broke) I woke up Ross and my mom. Ross called the Ob office and she told me I could shower but then I had to go in to Triage.

In Triage I was checked to make sure my water had really broken, and was officially admitted. Sadly, I will always remember that night as the first night the rioting began after the verdict that the police officer would not be put on trial. We watched a bit of the news about the buildings being burned, but then I decided I didn't want to hear about all of that hate and destruction on the day of my baby's birth. For us, this would be a beautiful day to remember.

They checked me in and got me a room! After all of the trips to Triage, I was finally being moved to a delivery room! Sadly, the two birthing rooms with a tub were taken. I wasn't sure if they would have allowed me to get into the tubs anyways since my water had broken, but those rooms were so much nicer than the rest. I wish they would just make more rooms with tubs since they are clearly so popular and in high demand.

Then the waiting game began. Thank God my water broke because I was still not dilated! I would have been sent back home had my water not broken. Good grief! This time however, the contractions really started getting stronger. This was really it!

I will leave the rest of the birth story for another blog post.

My husband and I were grateful and blessed to have a "healthy" pregnancy in terms of our little boy being healthy. We are appreciative of the opportunity to be parents. Just because I had a miserable experience being pregnant does not mean that I am not grateful for the opportunity to be a mommy. I just wanted to put that part out there. However, since the only explanation I was given to why I had such difficulty carrying my baby was that I was small, I have no reason to believe my next pregnancy would be any different. I did a lot of research on nausea and morning sickness during pregnancy. Those who are ill throughout most of their pregnancy tend to have the same experience again in the next pregnancy.

My husband and I would like to buy a house in the near future, and we just can't afford another year of my not working. Even though time is already fading the memories of my pregnancy pain, I have to document what I went through so I can remember how hard it was on us. I wasn't the only one who was impacted by my debilitating pregnancy. It caused me to have to quit my job, which is obviously a big deal, it put off buying a house, which is a huge deal, and it was just a lot of work for my husband and my mom.

Ross was the most supportive husband a girl could have asked for. My pregnancy was the most humbling experience of my life. We put our wedding vows of "through sickness and health" to the test. It's no secret why women are willing to put their bodies through pain and suffering to have more children. Once they are here, it was all worth it. I love our little boy. He was worth every moment. But there is no reason why we can't just spoil him rotten and have a family of three. Or we might decide to adopt or a foster a child. We can choose to do that too. Only time will tell.

Happy 30th Birthday Husband! You are the best husband a woman could ever ask for. I love you!

Birth Story Part 2

When I first go into my room and met our nurse, she hardly spoke and seemed to be in a bad mood. I asked her if she would not put my iv on the side of my wrist because it had caused me a lot of pain in the past. So what did that ...... do? She put the damn thing in the side of my wrist! And guess what? It caused me a ton of pain and it didn't go in properly. So she had to take it out and try the other arm. She put it in the same spot on my other arm. GRRR. I was so close to asking for a different nurse right there in that moment. Ross and I tried to be friendly to her, but she was little miss crabby! I asked her what time she would be my nurse until, knowing she would leave at the end of her shift, and she told me 7. Luckily she pretty much left Ross and I alone to breathe through the contractions, and she was gone by 7a.m.

Ross slept for the good first part of my labor. I just tried to breathe through the contractions, but I couldn't help but feel bummed that all of this was not going the way I thought it would. I had this whole idea of changing positions and walking around and using an exercise ball. The ball the brought me was pumped up with too much air so it caused more pain than it helped. I had stupid painful Iv's in my arm with pitocin to help my labor along since I wasn't progressing and it had been hours! I was feeling extremely discouraged and really needed some kind of boost.

Then, Mary Poppins walked through my door! Okay, not really, but she was the sweetest lady I have ever met in my life, and her name was Donna. If you go to Akron City Hospital to deliver, ask for her. She is amazing. She helped me breathe when they contractions were horrific. All morning long I had horrendous contractions with no sign of progressing through labor. I was starting to wear out. I was getting to the put where I couldn't breathe through the end of the contractions and it was then that I agreed to the epidural. I was scared to death of getting that shot. Ross was allowed to stay while they put it in, and it was definitely not enjoyable. I could feel the left side of my body going numb, but not so much the right. The anesthesiologist told me I could have it removed and redone, but there was no way I was going through that again. I said just leave it. I get what I get and that's it. I had relief for many hours. It was until the epidural began wearing off and I could feel the contractions again that I was checked and was finally starting to progress! When 2:00p.m. came along, I was really getting discouraged.

A young male med student came in at some point and introduced himself and told me he would be there for the delivery. When he left I looked at Ross and said, "No Students! You tell them No! I want as few people in this room as possible when he is coming!!!" Let me give you a spoiler, don't ever say you want something in life to go a certain way, unless you really want a big surprise. Ha.

I didn't want some insanely long labor, and yet here I was. They OB on duty told me he might not come today, and I was really upset. My lovely nurse Donna decided it was time I accept a little refill of the epidural to help get me through the contractions again once I was tuckering out from my breathing. The medicine slightly helped until I was almost 10 cm. Then, at least 8 other women on my floor began the final stages to push and MY Donna had to help a girl next door deliver her baby. A new nurse came in just to keep an eye on me, and I told her this was it. I felt ready to push so someone had better give me the green light. I started doing the "blowing the candle thing" where you blow if it is not time to push when you get a sensation to push so you don't rip.

The Dr. came in and told me I was at 10!! I was bummed that Donna was not going to be there for me when she had been so amazing all day long. The med student had come in and checked on me a few times that day, and sure enough, there he was along with this nurse I had just met and I was ready to push. Ross had one leg, the med student had the other, and the new nurse was playing catch.

It turned out, they were exactly the team I needed. They told me my Dr. had been called, but wouldn't get here until right before the baby was ready to make his way into the world. Everyone kept asking us if we had his name ready. The truth was I had been resisting the name that was meant to be for months. The day Ross and I found out we were having a boy, I was getting the ultrasound and Ross was sitting across the room from me in a chair. I was so sure it was a girl. In the first moment of shock, I heard the name Jackson in my head. Later we went out to lunch so I could let the news sink in that we were having a boy, and Ross told me he had the same experience. Call it divine intervention or whatever you want to, but it was quite freaky. I had eliminated that name from our list of choices because it was so popular, and because my cousin had named her first born son that name. Granted, they do live in Texas and he is a teenager, but still. So for the next few months I searched for a different name.

Fast forward to me pushing in the delivery room, and in my head I was saying, "Come on Jacks!" I looked at Ross and started to cry, I knew that was going to be his name. We just felt that it was what God wanted his name to be. Call it corny, but you don't mess with that feeling. You just go with it. The nurse told me the pushing was going to take 3 hrs. I told her the hell it was! My epidural wore off the right side of my body completely. I was having a half natural child birth. This group of three ended being the most awesome team for me. The nurse made me use the mirror so I could see even though I didn't want to, but it really did help me see the progress I was making.  I pushed with every contraction for an hour and a half. My OB finally arrived right on time! Sadly the little guy was in distress, and as little as he was, and 10 cm or not, they had to give me an episiotomy and use the vacuum to get him out.

I had wanted a natural child birth where I birthed in a tub. The tub room was taken, and by the time the last few weeks of my pregnancy came along, I was over the idea of not having pain relief. I was done with being in pain. I didn't care if it didn't make me the bravest mom alive to willingly feel horrid pain. Yet, when the actual delivery was happening, I felt everything. My epidural had worn off and it was way past time to get a "refill". I felt everything in the end. The cutting, the vacum, the stitching. To top it all off, there were abouut 20 ppl in my room for the final moments. So much for my birth plan. I guess using the vacuum requires a niccu unit to inspect the baby right after birth. Oh, and I should mention I wanted to do skin to skin immediately after he was born. I couldn't do that either.

But finally, our baby was born! I cried with relief when I heard him cry. The pregnancy was finally over! The 300 ppl (Okay I am overexagerating slightly) finally cleared out, and I was done! Ross and I had a moment where I finally got to do skin to skin. Then my overexcited hubby started calling our family, and the next thing I know, they were all on their way. Jackson was born at 6:44p.m. I have to admit, as sweet as it was for our family to all come. I wish we had more time with just the two of us to soak it all in before we had visitors. Ross hadn't even held Jackson yet by the time our whole family was there. It didn't seem like a big deal at the time, but it kind of bothers me now. I think the Mom and Dad should definitely hold the baby first before visitors come. I even wish we had waited until morning. I hadn't slept in so many hours. 

This roller coaster ride called pregnancy.

For those of you who follow me on Facebook, or have read my blog posts before, you know that I am a pretty open and honest person. I like that about myself. I have been inspired by others who share their stories so openly without fear. Sure, it's not easy to ignore judgments of others, especially when I am being told I "over-share". However, anytime I open up right now about the things I am going through with my pregnancy and someone tells me they have been through that too, I suddenly breathe a little easier and feel a little better. 

We had a scare today, and this post explains what has been going on. As a writer, I find sharing therapeutic. Sure, it's not for everyone, but today I share because I am humbled by the power of prayer and know our little guy could use that more than I need privacy. 

If you would like to leave me a comment, please do so below and refrain from doing so on FB. You can private message me or text me if you prefer not to comment on the actual blog. But if you are reading this, please feel open to comment directly from this page! I promise I won't think you're a creeper! lol ;)

So please be forewarned: This is another one of my famous honest posts. I have read so many stories of pregnant mommies who can laugh, joke and be completely honest about some of the not so wonderful parts of pregnancy. 

When people ask me how I am doing, I know I am supposed to answer in the same way as when someone says, "Hey! How are you?". We are not really supposed to be like, "Well, this and this and this are all crappy!". 

So on a positive note: my mom's sister and sister in law threw me an amazing shower two weeks ago. It was an adorable Fox themed shower, and those two ladies (with help from friends) did such an amazing job! It was a great shower! 

Such amazing forest details! 

I got the "How are you feeling?" question that is typical to ask, and I was honest. I mean, hey, these are my closest family and friends, right? If I can't be honest with them, who can I be honest with? So I said, "Well, my lovely morning sickness came back, I am insanely tired all the time, and I can hardly walk through a grocery store without having pains".

What I didn't tell them was that those said pains feel like my uterus is falling out of my body, and my stomach gets even harder than it normally is. Which, by the way, is always in a state of being as hard as a rock. 

The night after my shower, I started having pretty painful cramps. I called upon (or texted) my favorite small group of new mommies for some advice. I got the overall answer of "I had better let me OB know what was going on". I tried to sleep on it and hope the pain would be gone in the morning after some tylenol and a ton of water. No such luck.

 I was up all night with cramps and finally was instructed to go to  the ER. I had already been there once before for insanely sharp jabbing pains only to find out it was just round ligament pain. I wouldn't have gone but the OB on call at the hospital had me count the pains for two hours and told me if I was still having them that I had to go in. So of course, those nasty jolts that took my breath away and stopped me in my tracks didn't go away, and I had to go in. 

This time around, I was having insane cramps and my OBGYN wanted me to be seen in case I was going into early labor. 

I talked the OB on duty into seeing me and drove my painfully cramping self to the office a half an hour away, which took an hour to to get there while I sat in dead stopped traffic. There was a semi pulled over by two highway state patrolmen, which apparently means all three lanes must stop. Just why people? It's cool, I might be going into early labor, but really - take a half an hour to gawk at a semi pulled over on the side of the road. Sigh. 

The OB did a test to see if I was in early labor, but I would have to wait until the next day to find out the results. Does that make sense? Pretty sure the baby could have been here by then. Oh, and she mentioned that my cervix was soft. No explanation what that meant, just stated it and sent me home for a two day bed rest. I was so bummed! I had just started babysitting for a friend I have known since the 8th grade! 

I have not been working for months now since I have moved back home and was really looking forward to finally being able to contribute a little bit to our family. I applied to an endless amount of jobs, spending hours on cover letters and applications. No one wanted a 6 month pregnant lady who would have to go on maternity leave in four months. grr, and deep sigh of disappointment. 

So let me explain why the whole not working thing really got to me.

I took a safe sitter course at one of the local hospitals at 12 years old. I also took balloon making classes. That's right, I learned how to make balloon animals so I could work for a company to which I paid 5 bucks a week to, to who would then schedule me to work in different restaurants and make balloon animals for children there in the evenings. 

I love this guy with all my heart and soul! <3

I went to school, did some homework, worked a couple of nights a week, and babysat on weekends...at 12. I did that for years until I was 16. Then, I babysat still, worked at the ymca and still made balloon animals at restaurants. I didn't get to go to football games on friday nights, but I learned how to balance my checkbook and manage my bank account. I still was able to participate in drama club and choir, but didn't have time for sports or things like that with my work schedule. 

I have been working since I was 12 years old, until this year (apart from when I had a full schedule while in college). I stopped working at the end of April when my morning sickness was making it impossible to do any kind of normal activity, like get ready for work, or put on a bra without it making me throw up, let alone try and care or the lives of under 20 children (which of course in a great responsibility). I felt so awful, and on top of that, situations arose where I felt the safety of my baby was in jeopardy, and had to quit work much more abruptly than I would have preferred. But we don't always have control over things in our lives. At the time I could only control mine and my baby's safety and wellbeing. Now I know though, God knows what we can't see. He knew what was ahead for me during this pregnancy, and that working was not in the plan for now. 

He thinks he's so funny! ;)

So alas, my most recent visit to the OB had me placed bed rest with a fear of preterm labor. I would go back today to see if I had progressed, and in the meantime, I had to take it super easy. I could shower and make myself food. That's it. No lifting anything, no moving too much. Rest, rest rest. 

Until today. 

I am choosing to share this because life isn't about me anymore. It's about my baby. Who's name I clearly need to choose asap, though I am pretty sure it was chosen for us (story for another day).

When I went in to my check up today, I mentioned the cramps, not mentioning I had been having them for days. My OB had instructed me to go into the ER if I had been getting cramps prior to my apt. to get a shot that would speed up the process of lung development for my little guy, and something to try and knock out or slow down contractions. 

However, the past few days I have been having cramps daily. I have been told by so many people that pains during pregnancy are normal, and so I tried to just suck it up like everyone else. Each time I have been sent off to the ER nothing has happened, so I was tired of staying up until 3am there just to be sent home with a hefty bill and not much else. 

The nurse at the OB office hooked me up to a monitor, and sure enough, I was in labor. 

Mother Trucker. 

I would have to be sent off to the stinkin hospital, again, at 32 weeks. This time, I was told, he could come today. My mom had luckily decided to come with me today, so she drove us to Triage at Akron City Hospital. After one shot for the baby's lungs, one to try and knock out contractions, and the lovely IV poke, I just had to wait to check on my "progress".  

The contractions eased up a bit, and the good ole cervix stayed closed. Thank GOD. Really. I am so grateful today. We thought this was it. I was prepared to have my lil guy today. I had my mom, a dear friend who had been through a similar situation and my another very close friend who is also a mamma to be who will be my son's godmother via text keeping my sane and getting me through. Don't feel bad if I didn't text you, we wanted to keep it super private until we had a better understanding of what was going to happen. It was a day for the moms to be moms.

I am only willing to tell you now because like I said before, my baby is #1 now. I am humbled today, and believe so strongly in the power of prayer. We thought we were having our baby today, or if anything next week. But with the shots, we have a chance to aim for two weeks from now, or even longer. 

The nurse said some women have this happen and go on to deliver a healthy 42 week old baby! So now I turn to you my friends and family. Will you please send me and my baby some positive vibes and/or prayers. I don't like to ask for this sort of thing, and I know it makes my mom uncomfortable for me to share such a private story, but today is not about me. It is about giving my little guy the best chance possible for life. I will gladly accept some positive energy and prayers headed his way. I already love someone so much whom I have never met, but get to feel inside. I feel such a deep nurturing desire to protect his life already. I only want what's best for his safety and health. Sure, this pregnancy has been rough, but so look forward to meeting our miracle boy after he is there for as long as possible! Everyday that he stays in there is for the better. 

p.s. - Since there is a chance I will not make it to my birthing class two weekends from now, anyone who could share some tips with me for pain management, would truly make my day. Please only respond by posting a comment to this blog. I will you adore for it. You can also text my cell or private message me on Fb. 

Thank you for sharing such a personal and serious time with me. 

                                     

So much love,

Ashlie & Ross